i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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