oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
