I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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