He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
