I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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