Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
