i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
