soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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