The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
