Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
