Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
