I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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