I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
