I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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