I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
