oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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