The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
