Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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