Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
