I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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