I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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