we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
