I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
