i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
