Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize