How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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