Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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