sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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