When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
