I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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