i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
