im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
