beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
