Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
