Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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