you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
