I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
