youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
