we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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