mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
