I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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