Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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