I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
