What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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