I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize