Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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