I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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