I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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