Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
