I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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