My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
