If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
