just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
