I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
