he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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