i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
