Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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