A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
