if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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