Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize