I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
