New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
