found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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