Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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