So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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