Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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