I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
