I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
