I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
